Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
