Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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