i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
