rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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