I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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