ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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