So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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