Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
