Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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