he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
