I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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