I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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