I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
