did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
