WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
