Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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