yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
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Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
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