thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
