I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
