god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
