one might say we're banned from that church
there's paper in my vomit.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
