Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
