please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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