I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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