I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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