got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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