You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
