I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
