If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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