I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize