Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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