I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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