Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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