i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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