he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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