covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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