yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dignity is for republicans.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
