yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
