She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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