i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
