Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
