the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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