sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
