Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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