I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
