Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
