I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
