I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
