I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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