I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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