You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
