I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
