is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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