Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I believe in your delicious
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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